Saturday, September 15, 2007

Week Two Bitches!

Okay welcome to Week Two. I have to get through two more days and hours of pregame shows, and the Patriots story being mentioned at least 400 times before I get my football jones. You know what this week thanks to the MNF game between the Birds and Skins I can actually get two games at each little time slot, which means lots of TV flipping and listening to Bob Costas, and Troy Aikman (ugh). The games I’ll be getting down here in DC are as follows: Packers at Giants, Bills at Steelers, and the Jets at Ravens, because they have a blackout rule for them too. But enough about me, let’s talk about the movers and shakers that you left in the lineup for this week.

T-REX vs. NAZAHOES

Two years ago this battle was decided by a single point. God damn you Julius Jones, never again, just never again.

QBs: We’ve got Tony Romo, acquired via trade this week, going against waiver wire pickup Jay Cutler. Tony Romo was quite the star last week releasing the ball and dumping 40 points in fantasy laps. Cutler performed well too leading the Broncos down the field with command and finding a consistent relationship with Javon Walker and to a lesser extent Brandon Marshall, the rookie. Their match ups this week are against a Miami DEF that allowed Jason Campbell to throw on them especially to Randle El, and Cutler goes against an Oakland DEF that got hammered by John Kitna of all people. I think the edge here is in the fact that talent surrounds Romo. Jason Witten and Terrell Owens don’t just grow on trees despite what some might think.
ADVANTAGE: Romo and the Hoes.

WRs: Holt/Walker vs. Boldin/Ward. Okay Torry Holt totally dominated last weekend, coughing up around 17 points, now imagine if the offense didn’t play so conservatively and if Steven Jackson wouldn’t have fumbled. Javon Walker also clicked with Cutler Anquan Boldin has always personally been one of my favorite players in the league, something about his swelled up nose. He had a decent week last week and since Seattle’s DBs are kinda undersized he should have another good week here. Hines Ward is someone I throw under the bus a lot, no Jerome Bettis pun intended, but last week he was very, very, very good. Then he started whining about the Patriots thing and I remembered how much I hate him and his slanted eyes. He looks Asian and everyone knows it. And the Bills didn’t do that bad on DEF last week. I need more then some random Week One shit against the Browns to nod my head in approval of Ward. I think the combination of Walker and Holt can out produce the combination of Boldin and Ward, but my gut tells me that Boldin and Ward will do better. I’m giving the nod to the dinosaur.
ADVANTAGE: Boldin/Ward and the T-Rex.

RBs: Listen up if you’re reading this and your name is Steven Jackson and you have that new Nike commercial I want you to listen really good. TWO HANDS ON THE DAMNED FOOTBALL! That being said…Jackson/Henry (who saved me the embarrassment of taking him in the second round by shining last week) going against Alexander and Addai. Jackson should come along this week, he’ll prove that he’s a top teir player, and if he fumbles again I’m hoping a red eye to go kick his face him. Go ahead Jackson try me. He’s facing a very new front nine for the Niners, but get this…The Edge had success on the ground last week. I see no reason why Jackson can’t follow in his shaded visor even though I play indoors footsteps. Travis Henry is a deadbeat dad that’s true but on the field he is very much alive. He had a nice day last week and he can catch passes out of the backfield. Tatum Bell had a good day against the Raiders so hopefully Henry can do the same. What more can be said about Joesph Effing Addai, he’s the second coming of LT or something. I know Vito’s heart skipped a beat last week but this week he faces the Titans, now the Titans did manage to contain MJD and Taylor some what last week but this week no way they cover Addai that well, especially when Peyton burns them a few times. I’m going to say Addai is going to have a monster game. Shaun Alexander is facing a weak Arizona DEF. Frank Gore had 55 yards and a touch against them, so Alexander should be do for about the same if not more yardage and probably a touch or two.
ADVANTAGE: The DEF teams tell the story here and I give the nod to Vito here.

TIGHT END: Eric Johnson vs. Marcus “He’s Still Playing” Pollard. Johnson was very involved in the passing game last week vs. the Saints and I think he’ll stay that way to be honest. Marcus Pollard will catch a few passes sure but I mean Jeremy Stevens wasn’t exactly the best Tight End down there, and they didn’t use him that much.
ADVANTAGE: Eric Johnson and me.

FLEX: Adrian Peterson against Calvin Johnson here. Peterson is facing a Detroit DEF that did allow LaMont Jordan to run all over them, and Johnson is facing a Minn DEF that was all over the Falcons. As I stress with everyone running backs are over wide outs in almost any league. Adrian Peterson also showed great pass catching ability. Johnson will still but up good numbers as this game will be a shoot out. I just think the Minn DEF will pick Kitna one too many times to put Johnson over Peterson.
ADVANTAGE: Peterson. This is a battle of two ROYs.

KICKER: Gos is a good kicker and the Pats always kind the end zone. I’m afraid that the cameras on the sidelines could distract him. Hanson will put up fantastic numbers this week. He’s amazing, simply put.
ADVANTAGE: Hanson and Vito.

DEF: Both of these DEFs are going against poor offenses. I think that the Minn DEF could work out better in the long run because of the return game. Broncos will still have a nice day destroying the hopes and dreams of Oakland fans.
ADVANTAGE: Minn DEF.

OVERALL: I think this will be a little tight, but I think I can pull it out.

VICKSMART vs. AIDS

QBs: Tom Brady vs. Drew Brees. Drew Brees cannot handle a Cover 2 DEF and that’s what Tampa Bay runs, so that could be very dangerous this week. Colts use it as well and you saw how he faired against that. Tom Brady will have his pick of the litter this week but to a lesser extent. No crazy yardage, no crazy tds, but a good solid game. I’m going Brady.
ADVANTAGE: Brady.

WRs: Chad Johnson/Larry Fitz vs. TO/Roy Williams. Chad Johnson will have a big day against the Browns, and Larry Fitz has been dismissal. Dating back to last year in his past 6 games he’s only had around 50 yards.. Terrell Owens will have a good day against the Dolphins and Williams will see balls thrown his way against the Vikings. But the key issue rests in the fact of who’s throwing to Williams. Kitna will get picked here and there and that will take catches away from Williams. I’m giving the edge here to Owens and co.
ADVANTAGE: Vicksmart.

RBs: Frank Gore and the Edge vs. Johnson and Johnson. Frank Gore goes against the St. Louis def, who really didn’t allow the Panthers running backs to get started. But Gore will find his way into the end zone at least once. The Edge goes against a Seattle DEF that is undersized and such, so he will have an okay day. Rudi Johnson will tear up the browns and Larry Johnson has a terrible match ups against those pesky Bears. I’m giving the edge here to Microw.
ADVANTAGE: AIDS

Tight Ends: Winslow/Shockey. Kellen Winslow faces the Cinnci DEF that shut down Todd Heap, a better TE then Winslow and Shockey goes against Green Bay with a potentially new QB, his upside is HUGE this week.
ADVANTAGE: Justin.

FLEX: Andre Johnson vs. Clinton Portis. Andrew Johnson had a great week last week, but I don’t know if the Panthers DEF will allow that again. They will pressure the Quarterback and force mistakes. So I don’t think his day will be that big. Clinton Portis faces an Eagle DEF that limited the Green Bay offense. The Redskins aren’t that much better so…take that in stride. That being said I always give the nod in a tough case to the running back.
ADVANTAGE: Portis.

KICKER: Matt Stover is against the Jets and Robbie Gould goes against KC. This really depends on what kind of Sexy Rexy shows up. If the Good Grossman is out and about expect Gould to be a big boot this week. If the Bad Grossman shows up I’m giving this to Stover. And guess what Sexy Rexy is going to suck this week. Stover is the way we go.
ADVANTAGE: Stover

DEF: Philly/Chicago. Chi Town, end of story.
ADVANTAGE: Justin

OVERALL: AIDS

NAZABTICHES vs. INCHES – The smack talk that Pisula released is terrible. He should be docked 40 points for that.

QBs: Manning/McNabb. Okay Peyton Manning is the man end of story. The only week I will not pick him without thinking is against the Chargers down the line. But until then I can only say Manning, Manning, Manning a hundred times.
ADVANTAGE: Manning.

WRs: Housh (probable), and Burress vs. Smith and Wayne. Okay first of all the injury to TJ is a hamstring injury, which can linger, don’t believe me ask Moss, ask Stallworth. Burress he won’t repeat that game by any stretch of the imagination, esp. with that backup QB in. Smith and Wayne are studs, end of the story. Keep an eye on Housh’s injury.
ADVANTAGE: Smith/Wayne.

RBs: MJD and Ronnie Brown and Bush and Williams. Okay eventually MJD will return to next season form, it might even come this week against Atlanta. I mean Adrian Peterson tore their asses up last week on the ground. Ronnie Brown, terrible. Dallas def was dominated on the ground against the Giants, but after watching that Skins/Dolphins game it’s hard to get interested in anything on the Dolphins team. Reggie Bush will also regain his end of the season form, but the Bucs DEF is just really good, it might not be this week. Cadillac Williams might not even play, so keep an eye on that. Even if he does, eh I’m not sold entirely. I’m giving this nod to Inches because of Reggie Bush’s big play potential.
ADVANTAGE: Inches.

Tight End: Todd “Offensive Pass Interference” Heap vs. Tony Gonzo. I read that Tony Gonzo found out he had some crazy disease in the off-season and could’ve died. Well he won’t fair much better against the Bears DEF. Todd Heap will do slightly better against the Jets def, but don’t expect much of a gold mine, unless McNair doesn’t start, then he’ll be used more.
ADVANTAGE: Bitches.

FLEX: Chris Brown vs. Santonio Holmes. Holmes will be better then Chris Brown. This is the one time I will take a WR over a starting RB. Brown faces that crazy Indy DEF this week and while they were thought to be terrible they proved that wrong in a hurry. Holmes had catches, yards and a TD. That flex offensive could really help him.
ADVANTAGE: Inches

KICKER: Jeff Wilkins vs. Jason Elam. Elam is at home where he can nail 50 plus yard field goals. Jeff Wilkins will be hosting the Niners and will busy indoors. I give Wilkins the nod simply because he’s indoors with a high potent offense.
ADVANTAGE: Wilkins and Bitches.

DEF: The Ravens proved me wrong last week. Pittsburgh had a good DEF game this week and I think that they’ll have another good one. I’ll go with the Ravens though because the Jets are poor on offense.
ADVANTAGE: Ravens

OVERALL: Inches mainly due to the lack of a proven threat in the running back corps of Bitches and because Housh could be out, possibly.

Yellow Jackets vs. Vick’s My Dog Catcher

QBs: Palmer vs. Favre. Guess what Carson Palmer is playing the Browns, and guess what they suck. So he’s a shoe in for a big day, with or without Housh. Favre is playing the Giants, I don’t buy Favre yet, I just don’t. But I guess he’s a better start then Rivers vs. the Pats.
ADVANTAGE: Palmer.

WRs: Evans and Chambers vs. Harrison and Moss. Okay Lee Evans was blanketed last week and he’ll be blanketed this week by the Steelers DEF. Chris Chambers had some key drops for the Dolphins last week and this week faces a semi hurt secondary, so guess what…I think he’ll have a decent game this week. Harrison can catch the ball and score, end of story. Randy Moss can catch the ball and score end of story. Moss does play that vaunted San Diego DEF though. I say that Harrison and Moss out score and out produce Evans and Chambers.
ADVANTAGE: Yellow Jackets.

RBs: LT and Willie Parker vs. Westbrook and Warrick Dun. LT is a beast, he’ll do good no matter who, he proved that last week. Willie Parker needs to prove himself to me this week against Buffalo. The flex offense could hurt him because they are passing more and more. Who would’ve thought I’d say that in relation to the Steelers, not me. Westbrook will look to make mince meat against the Skins. Ronnie Brown and Cameron, the back up for the Fins did well against the Skins. Westbrook should look to do better then that. Warrick Dunn is on his last legs. I don’t even like him as a spot start here and there. But he’s really the only thing they have left. And the Jags did let Chris Brown run on them.
ADVANTAGE: LT and Co.

Tight Ends: Antonio Gates vs. Dallas Clark. Gates is probable but he will def. play and he’ll catch passes and possibly score. Dallas Clark will have some catches but not score. Gates is the better play here.
ADVANTAGE: Gates.

FLEX: Deion Branch vs. Donald Driver. Driver I think is the better play, he gets dialed in more often then Branch does. With the emphasize on Alexander’s running game the Seahawks don’t pass as much. The Packers do pass a lot so Driver can reap the benefits.
ADVANTAGE: Driver

KICKER: Vinateri vs. Nugent. Adam V. is just hands down better then most of the league.
ADVANTAGE: Adam V.

DEF: San Diego vs. New England. This is the age old question. San Diego has better players with the suspensions leveled against Harrison and such. Also New England has all this outside shit to deal with. San Diego by a nose.
ADVANTAGE: SD

OVERALL: Yellow Jackets.

See y’all next week.

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